sixmondays said: Who are those guys?? PS you look gorgeous and I miss you terribly.

B’aww, thanks doe. I miss you too! They’re the Rain City Superhero Movement, Seattle’s self-proclaimed superheroes. They’re actually really awesome.

i need to find someone here that will just lie down on grass with me under the stars, eyes closed, feeling the breeze, listening to grouper.

It’s 86 degrees up here in Seattle. Whaddafuck.

my heart throbs and cries for the ocean to wash up over my feet.

Bitch, you do NOT want to try to play your techno over my Zeppelin when I have carving tools in my hands.

I need a mom-sized shot.

i take a total of five psychotropic drugs every day. i take them because bad things used to happen without them. but after being on them for a while, i start to feel like i don’t need them. like i’m poisoning myself. i mean, can i even really believe i am what i am if i’m so drugged up all the time?

so then i stop taking them. it is bad to do this without talking to my psychiatrist first. but i never do because i have this illogical belief i can’t shake that no one is ever going to understand well enough to actually help me. (so why did i accept these prescriptions in the first place? oh right, the bad things.)

then i make sure to hide it from everyone in my life that i’ve gone off my meds. especially my mom, because she’s the one who’s not afraid to hospitalize me.

“gradually, and then suddenly.” gradually, and then suddenly i lose touch with coherent thought processing and bad things happen. bad things happen for a while until i wear down and can’t hide it anymore.

at this point, either my mother picks up on it and scares me back into taking the medications i’ve been stashing in my dresser drawer, or i realize how out of touch i am and how fucking psychotic i feel. these days, it’s been the latter. i feel so insane that i just can’t take it anymore.

cue the urge (no, the need) to do something drastic and “mentally unsound”.

i don’t know if i’m more calloused than i was before, or if i actually have gained some foundational perspective, but i never follow through with anything anymore. instead, i feel scared and do what my mom would’ve done for me: scare myself back into my medicated state.

so i start taking them all again. all five. full dosages. this is not good for me either. but what do you expect? i’m not a fucking psychiatrist.

i wouldn’t be surprised if i die someday of something terrible caused by years of taking prescription drugs improperly. (or properly, for that matter.)

so i’m taking all my pills again, and man, that first week is hard. there is an onslaught of side effects that fuck with my bodily functions.

after this week, though, i start to feel less psychotic. (placebo effect?) things start to balance out a bit, and i forget about what was driving me insane before.

but it’s not like all those feelings and thoughts that were making me psychotic just disappeared. they’re still there, but i just…care about them less. but, i’ll eventually come to a point where it peaks due to everything else going on in my life, and then i worry that it’s the drugs that are making me that way.

this cycle is constantly in motion. i completely understand all of this, but it still doesn’t help. i understand the perspective, but i can’t maintain it. it doesn’t feel right. and i never learn my lesson. i always go on and off drugs like they’re nothing, bringing hell down on my body and probably further fucking me up mentally.

even as i am writing this now, i still probably won’t change anything.

ANYWAY…just wanted to say i’m doubting my drugs again and might stop taking them.

clash-the-truth said: you should have told me! I could use another layer!

well i need to go over it again! whenever yer free

not having a kitten has actually ruined my day.

clash-the-truth said: Where are you going to be this summer? They’re playing in LA…

I’ll just be here…weeping…

So I heard the BEST news today. Depeche Mode is going on tour with Crystal Castles as an opening act.

…

And then I found out it’s not coming to Seattle.

This wrinkled thumb, knows too much up off the ground.

But how the fuck do I get back down?